All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
