I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
