her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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