need another drink. this is the easiest way
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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