my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
