the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i wish my penis had a tongue
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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