Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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