Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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