Someone shit on the floor
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
