And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you had me at cake vodka
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
