I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
