When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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