: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
