i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
