Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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