You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
