the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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