Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
