I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
