he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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