remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
