Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
