i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All I want is dick and wine.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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