He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
