I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize