Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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