My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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