PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
