Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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