I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
