pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
