I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
