We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
