once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
