I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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