It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
