My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
