I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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