If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
