Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
