After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
