Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Randomize
