I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
