Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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