you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
