puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
