Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
