A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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