oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
