now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
