I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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