I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I still have a little drunk in my system
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
