Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
